Mai Hime:Key Problems
by writer-jm
Summary: Another reaction to the manga! Warning: shoujoai ahead!


Like many of you, I've seen the atrocity that is the Mai-Hime manga…

This story is my rant. I'm not the only one to turn tragedy into inspiration…

Disclaimer: I don't own Mai-Hime! I didn't buy that horrible manga either! (I bought the first volume of Kashimashi instead – everyone buy it!!)

As usual:  
Speaking "…"  
Thoughts '…'  
Comments/Stage directions (…)

Mai-Hime: Key Problems

(Natsuki enters dragging tied up Tate)

"I never thought I'd have to defend my character to you people, but recently an imposter has shown up. She may call herself Natsuki, but she's not the real me!!"

Tate chose this moment to speak up. "Hey, I didn't do anything!"

Natsuki growled and kicked him. "Shut up!" She returned her attention to us (the audience). "This brings me to my first major complaint: I have no romantic feelings for this idiot! If anyone, I would have feelings for…" She drifted off in thought with a blush.

Arms wrapped around the dark-haired beauty's waist and a soft, seductive voice purred: "Natsuki…"

The Kuga princess turns bright red, but failed to struggle. "Shizuru! I told you not to do that in public! I'm not read to 'out' us yet."

The class president smiled. "You just did."

Natsuki gawked, her jaw moving in a fish-like movement. "I just did, didn't I?"

Shizuru squeezed her tenderly. "No need to apologize." She said, followed by happy sigh.

Natsuki reluctantly freed herself from the embrace (but still held onto one of Shizuru's hands) continued: "Anyway, that brings me to my second point: this fake Natsuki uses Tate as a 'key' to summon Duran! This is ridiculous! Summoning him doesn't require anybody but me. Duran!" She waited. Nothing happened. She sighed and pulled out a package of Snausages and yelled: "Who wants a treat?" The mechanical wolf came bounding in. He swallowed the whole bag of dog treats and reached up to give his master a lick. "See? Simple!"

She then noticed that Shizuru was petting Duran as if he were a pet. Natsuki mumbled to herself: "Looks like she's tamed both of us, partner... Okay, now we're going to see what would happen if Tate were to influence my summoning of Duran." She stepped a little closer to the captive and Duran shrunk to the size of a pomeranian. He began to chase his tail until he became dizzy and passed out, snoring loudly.

Shizuru perked up and pulled Natsuki close again. "So what would happen if I was your 'key'?" She purrs out the last word and begins to nibble on her girlfriend's ear. Natsuki's heart raced. Instantly, Duran doubled his normal size with eyes glowing an evil red. He growled and ran off. In a moment, he returned with a tray of tea.

Shizuru accepted a cup. "Thank you."

Natsuki slapped her forehead. "Duran's serving tea? Yeah, he's really been tamed…"

Tate, getting cramps, decided to try again. "Can't you please let me go?"

Natsuki sighed. "I guess so…" She spared a glance at her girlfriend. "Should we call Mai?"

Shizuru shook her head. "I think that would be unwise. She's quite mad about Tate's behavior with the alternate Mai and Mikoto. He was watching Mikoto feel her up while they were asleep." Images of an enraged Mai sending Kagetsuchi after him entered both of their minds.

Natsuki thought again for a moment. "What about Shiho?"

This received another negative from Shizuru. "Another bad idea. She's extremely upset about his lack of resistance to the alternate Nao's advances."

The biker girl groaned. "I bet she'll be mad for a while…" Images of evil crows mobbing Tate appeared in the thought bubble they shared.

Tate began to bawl. "I don't wanna die!"

Natsuki snapped her fingers. "We could drop him off at the church. I'm sure Yukariko would like to hear about his bad behavior." Shizuru nodded, sharing an evil grin.

Tate panicked. "No! Anything but the nun!!"

Shizuru ignored his pleas and pulled out her phone. "Yukariko, we've got a sinner…. Yep, it's Tate… Thanks…" After hanging up, she looked at Natsuki. "Well, there's actually someone who doesn't have any complaints."

----

"Hah!" (insert loud crunching sounds and various battle cries)

Haruka rested against her mace after finishing with the tank. "I finally get to be a Hime and and I'm leader of the Hime!" She laughed out loud. "I finally get to show up that blasted tea woman! I won't have to face that army with words next time!"

Yukino meekly handed the blonde a towel. " I thought you were really brave facing that tank down alone… Although, it nearly scared me to death." She blushed. "Of course, you've always been so brave."

"Thanks Yukino!" She said with a bright, triumphant smile. "What else is on our agenda for today?"

"Only our regular Executive Committee duties… then you're free."

"Will you be free?" Haruka quietly asked, with a rare show of nervousness.

"Well, I was going to defrag my hard-drive, but yes…"

Haruka's confidence returned. "Dinner?"

Yukino's smile was bright. "Sure, Haruka."

As Haruka began to walk out, Yukino tried to follow behind her. The blonde stopped and grabbed the brunette by the hand and they walked off together, side-by-side.

----

"So what was the point of this little diversion?" Natsuki began.

Shizuru kissed her on the cheek, which made her blush. Thus, Natsuki froze, enabling her to speak. "It gives you another chance to declare your undying love for me!"

"Uh huh…" Kuga replied in a daze. She shook her head to clear the cobwebs. "No! It's to inform the fans to avoid the hundred pages of crap this guy has produced." She paused. "Well, maybe they might like it if they like low-grade hentai with the lesbianism removed."

Shizuru rolled her eyes. "What fan would want that?" They both shrugged and walked off. (Probably to an expensive dinner and Shizuru-teasing-Natsuki session).

End

There you go. Three Microsoft Word pages describe the disaster that is the Mai-Hime manga. (Everyone has a right to their opinion-here's mine, as well as a few other peoples)

I'm not hoping for reviews! I just want to keep people from buying this thing, so the author won't produce more! Thanks!


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